Failure will never overtake me if my determination to succeed is strong enough.
I take you back to a time in my life where it was filled with thoughts of how unfair this was or how unfair that was and just how close I came many times to saying the hell with it, I am done here! Well I am glad that I didn’t and that I fully realized that there was so much to be alive and present for in this life.
This disease has often taken on a life of its own and quite honestly it did from the very split second that I was told that I had Ulcerative Colitis in that cold sterile room back in 2003. The next ten years, plus a lot of ups and downs for the years after became a contest. It became a battle of will against the universe. How could I possibly be in this fucking place that I am now! I hate this! I hate where I am at! I hate that I have to watch others succeed with their health! If I have to watch another damn fast food commercial to remind me of what I can’t eat, I am going to scream!
Ultimately I had a choice to either put together in my mind just how good life is and how much I wanted it or to keep bathing in this pity and sorrow until it ended me. I remember the morning when I felt something new and I don’t know where it came from really. It felt too clear. It felt like I had finally made a decision to put away all of the thoughts of just how unfair this shit is and embrace the things around me. Love more than I have ever loved. Just be with it and fully traverse through all of the grief steps.
You see I thought I had passed through all of those awful stages many years ago, but I hadn’t. I had so much ambition and motivation to heal when I first started this in 2015 that I really seemed to skip over all of it and move right to what I thought was acceptance. But it wasn’t acceptance. It was something that looked like acceptance, but it was just denial, anger, bargaining and depression all buried so deep that it took a jack hammer to get it out. This jack hammer ultimately uncovered where I was really at and it’s like all of those emotions just faded away, all at once one morning while I was in the trenches dealing with yet another down.
What I realized is that while food makes life enjoyable, it’s not life. It’s not the food that defines my life. It was how I chose to really see the things around me. To really breathe in the mountain air around me. To really love the people in my life. To really be in tune and sync with life…finally! What an amazing feeling to feel re-born through all of this! I can’t explain it and where it came from, but I think it’s there for everyone to feel! You just have to be patient on this and keep working on aligning yourself with the true meaning of it all and that’s to stop trying to control it. Really uncover the things around you that are waiting there to just be seen! It will happen, just keep the faith and lose the “how’s” and “when’s” of it all and just know that it will come!
Ian Sandage is a Nutritional Therapy Practitioner who speaks from the personal experience of someone with autoimmune disease and the highs and lows of a health journey